I have been in Poland for a month. One down, eight more to go. Except for the fact that I don't really want to think like that. Each day, each moment counts. I want to embrace this experience and experience every moment to the fullest.
Before I get into the topic of "feelings" I am going to give you an overview of my last week. Tuesday (9/23) was my first day of teaching actual classes at the school. I was not excited, but rather very nervous for this class. This class consists of a group of children who speak a very limited amount of English. Thankfully I had some help of a native Polish speaker in teaching the children. She made a few translations when need be. Over all I think the lesson was a lot of fun. The children were a little shy at first, but were ready to learn. It is amazing how quickly kids pick things up. I met with this class again today, and once again I think that they had fun. I know that I did.
As the week continued I had my usual Wednesday lessons in Gościno. Having books really made a positive difference. There are several activities that the students can do, and I feel like it really helps out in their learning process. On Thursday I taught two more classes at the school. The first consisted of some older children, who know a good amount of English. I look forward to getting to know this group better. My second class on Thursday was with a group of adults. This was such a change from my usual tutoring sessions, small groups and classes. Adults definitely learn in a different way. These adults also have a higher level of English than the children I teach too. This being said, I have to be careful not to assume they know and understand everything I am talking about. However, they are much more honest in telling me when they do not understand.
(Skipping the weekend, will get back to it later in this post.)
Oh Monday. It was off to a great (sarcastic) start when I missed the bus to Koszalin, not once but twice. This sucked. I was pretty annoyed at myself and felt like a total failure. Especially because one of my lessons had to be canceled. Thankfully my director and the director in Koszalin were very understanding. They reminded me that these things happen, and that they are not a reflection of my abilities as a student missionary. I assured them that it would NEVER happen again. After this the day flew by, as I started teaching my students about the United States.
TODAY. It started out as one of those days where I felt totally inadequate of doing this teaching thing. "What am I doing?" "I can't teach." "I have no idea what I am doing." "How am I going to get through this?" But you know what?! I CAN do this and I AM doing this. Whenever I have these thoughts God presents me with situations that contradict these negative thoughts. As I mentioned earlier in the post, today was a success. I even got to work with some TEENAGERS. Some may be wondering why I would want to do this. It is because most of the teenagers here can speak quite a bit of English. Not only can I teach them, but I can also develop friendships with them. And let me tell you, friendship is Golden. Speaking of golden friendships I got to FaceTime some of my closest friends tonight. It really is amazing how reenergizing it can be to see familiar faces.
So now about this past weekend, or when the inevitable feelings presented themselves to me. Up until this point I have been ok. The only time I really cried was the first night I got here (though I am not a homesick person, it is pretty typical for me to shed a tear or two my first night away from home when I know it is for an extended period of time). Well that all changed this weekend.
On Friday afternoon we headed off to a church retreat. The place we went to is called Zatonie, and stayed at a camp type of place (for the Pacific North-westerner's reading this, think Big Lake meets Wild Horse Cannon). When we got there we had a short vespers and dinner. My roommate (Emily) and I were pretty tired and so we went to bed right after. Sabbath morning was the beginning of my "inevitable feelings." We had the usual before Sabbath School songs and sharing time, Sabbath School and then church. Sabbath school is in English, but for everything else we require a translator. For some reason this really got on my nerves on Sabbath. I felt very restless after we got out of church. I was annoyed that I had to rely on translation and that I couldn't just understand what was going on. No longer was it fascinating to hear another language, but rather frustrating. I really needed to get some fresh air, so Emily and I went outside and laid on the pavement while listening to some English christian music. Sabbath lunch was delicious, but once again filled with conversation I did not understand. Once we were finished I needed to step away. I found a bench to sit on and I started to cry. I thought of my friends back home and how it was going to be the first Sabbath of the school year at PUC, and about how I was missing it. One of the church members, Magda, came and asked me how I was doing. I broke down and told her that I was not good. She sat and listened to everything that I needed to say. It was so nice knowing that someone in Poland cared about me and how I was feeling. Although I was embarrassed to cry in front of her, it felt good to let it all out. During our talk I found out some church members were going down to the lake to go sailing. They invited me to walk down there with them, and so I did. I was invited to go sailing, but I told them that I was going to the prison with another of church members. In the back of my mind I really did not want to go. It was just going to be another situation where I had no clue what was going on. I started crying thinking about this, and everything else (the fact that I was crying in front of people made me even more annoyed at myself). One of the ladies saw this and came over and gave me a hug. She basically told me I was going on the boat and pushed me to the dock where there was a group ready to head out.
Sailing was so much fun, and I started to feel better. While I was on the boat I realized that there are some flaws in my character. The confidence I have is based in my ability to have control. It is based in my ability to have my life all together. Well, this isn't the way things work. My confidence needs to be based in GOD. Perhaps He is using this experience to break down my flaws and build me into an even better person. Once off the boat, I felt a lot better and enjoyed the rest of my Sabbath.
Well then came Sunday. I thought I was done missing my friends and my ability to understand, but I wasn't. Sunday morning I woke up, got ready and then had too much time to think. I felt alone and once again started to miss my family, friends and school. Mid-morning my friend Kuba came to mine and Emily's door to invite us to play soccer. I did not feel like going, but decided that I would watch. So I went outside to watch the game. This was probably one of the best decisions of my weekend. Yeah I could have stayed in my room and continued to miss home, but if I would have done that I would have missed out on what was happening in the present. I want to belong here in Poland, and in order to belong I must step out of my comfort zone. Into a place that though I may not understand, is very accepting and loving of me. Before long I found myself playing with some of the children from church. They probably speak the least English of anyone on our trip, but it didn't matter. We laughed, we smiled, we shared and we had fun. I love these little kids so much and I am pretty sure they like me too.
Why did I call this post "inevitable feelings"? Well I am over a thousand miles away from home, in a country I had never been to before. Of course there was going to be a point where I broke down. Where I missed everything I know and everything that is familiar. A time when I missed....my life. Here is the thing, I can have a life here. I DO have a life here. Maybe it isn't the same as it is at home, but I am falling more and more in love with it every day.
With each and everyday I am loving Poland a little bit more, and missing home a little bit less (but don't worry, no matter how much I love Poland I will be coming home).
And just to clarify, I am back to being fascinated by the Polish language and culture rather than frustrated. ;)
Before I get into the topic of "feelings" I am going to give you an overview of my last week. Tuesday (9/23) was my first day of teaching actual classes at the school. I was not excited, but rather very nervous for this class. This class consists of a group of children who speak a very limited amount of English. Thankfully I had some help of a native Polish speaker in teaching the children. She made a few translations when need be. Over all I think the lesson was a lot of fun. The children were a little shy at first, but were ready to learn. It is amazing how quickly kids pick things up. I met with this class again today, and once again I think that they had fun. I know that I did.
As the week continued I had my usual Wednesday lessons in Gościno. Having books really made a positive difference. There are several activities that the students can do, and I feel like it really helps out in their learning process. On Thursday I taught two more classes at the school. The first consisted of some older children, who know a good amount of English. I look forward to getting to know this group better. My second class on Thursday was with a group of adults. This was such a change from my usual tutoring sessions, small groups and classes. Adults definitely learn in a different way. These adults also have a higher level of English than the children I teach too. This being said, I have to be careful not to assume they know and understand everything I am talking about. However, they are much more honest in telling me when they do not understand.
(Skipping the weekend, will get back to it later in this post.)
Oh Monday. It was off to a great (sarcastic) start when I missed the bus to Koszalin, not once but twice. This sucked. I was pretty annoyed at myself and felt like a total failure. Especially because one of my lessons had to be canceled. Thankfully my director and the director in Koszalin were very understanding. They reminded me that these things happen, and that they are not a reflection of my abilities as a student missionary. I assured them that it would NEVER happen again. After this the day flew by, as I started teaching my students about the United States.
TODAY. It started out as one of those days where I felt totally inadequate of doing this teaching thing. "What am I doing?" "I can't teach." "I have no idea what I am doing." "How am I going to get through this?" But you know what?! I CAN do this and I AM doing this. Whenever I have these thoughts God presents me with situations that contradict these negative thoughts. As I mentioned earlier in the post, today was a success. I even got to work with some TEENAGERS. Some may be wondering why I would want to do this. It is because most of the teenagers here can speak quite a bit of English. Not only can I teach them, but I can also develop friendships with them. And let me tell you, friendship is Golden. Speaking of golden friendships I got to FaceTime some of my closest friends tonight. It really is amazing how reenergizing it can be to see familiar faces.
So now about this past weekend, or when the inevitable feelings presented themselves to me. Up until this point I have been ok. The only time I really cried was the first night I got here (though I am not a homesick person, it is pretty typical for me to shed a tear or two my first night away from home when I know it is for an extended period of time). Well that all changed this weekend.
On Friday afternoon we headed off to a church retreat. The place we went to is called Zatonie, and stayed at a camp type of place (for the Pacific North-westerner's reading this, think Big Lake meets Wild Horse Cannon). When we got there we had a short vespers and dinner. My roommate (Emily) and I were pretty tired and so we went to bed right after. Sabbath morning was the beginning of my "inevitable feelings." We had the usual before Sabbath School songs and sharing time, Sabbath School and then church. Sabbath school is in English, but for everything else we require a translator. For some reason this really got on my nerves on Sabbath. I felt very restless after we got out of church. I was annoyed that I had to rely on translation and that I couldn't just understand what was going on. No longer was it fascinating to hear another language, but rather frustrating. I really needed to get some fresh air, so Emily and I went outside and laid on the pavement while listening to some English christian music. Sabbath lunch was delicious, but once again filled with conversation I did not understand. Once we were finished I needed to step away. I found a bench to sit on and I started to cry. I thought of my friends back home and how it was going to be the first Sabbath of the school year at PUC, and about how I was missing it. One of the church members, Magda, came and asked me how I was doing. I broke down and told her that I was not good. She sat and listened to everything that I needed to say. It was so nice knowing that someone in Poland cared about me and how I was feeling. Although I was embarrassed to cry in front of her, it felt good to let it all out. During our talk I found out some church members were going down to the lake to go sailing. They invited me to walk down there with them, and so I did. I was invited to go sailing, but I told them that I was going to the prison with another of church members. In the back of my mind I really did not want to go. It was just going to be another situation where I had no clue what was going on. I started crying thinking about this, and everything else (the fact that I was crying in front of people made me even more annoyed at myself). One of the ladies saw this and came over and gave me a hug. She basically told me I was going on the boat and pushed me to the dock where there was a group ready to head out.
Sailing was so much fun, and I started to feel better. While I was on the boat I realized that there are some flaws in my character. The confidence I have is based in my ability to have control. It is based in my ability to have my life all together. Well, this isn't the way things work. My confidence needs to be based in GOD. Perhaps He is using this experience to break down my flaws and build me into an even better person. Once off the boat, I felt a lot better and enjoyed the rest of my Sabbath.
Well then came Sunday. I thought I was done missing my friends and my ability to understand, but I wasn't. Sunday morning I woke up, got ready and then had too much time to think. I felt alone and once again started to miss my family, friends and school. Mid-morning my friend Kuba came to mine and Emily's door to invite us to play soccer. I did not feel like going, but decided that I would watch. So I went outside to watch the game. This was probably one of the best decisions of my weekend. Yeah I could have stayed in my room and continued to miss home, but if I would have done that I would have missed out on what was happening in the present. I want to belong here in Poland, and in order to belong I must step out of my comfort zone. Into a place that though I may not understand, is very accepting and loving of me. Before long I found myself playing with some of the children from church. They probably speak the least English of anyone on our trip, but it didn't matter. We laughed, we smiled, we shared and we had fun. I love these little kids so much and I am pretty sure they like me too.
Why did I call this post "inevitable feelings"? Well I am over a thousand miles away from home, in a country I had never been to before. Of course there was going to be a point where I broke down. Where I missed everything I know and everything that is familiar. A time when I missed....my life. Here is the thing, I can have a life here. I DO have a life here. Maybe it isn't the same as it is at home, but I am falling more and more in love with it every day.
With each and everyday I am loving Poland a little bit more, and missing home a little bit less (but don't worry, no matter how much I love Poland I will be coming home).
And just to clarify, I am back to being fascinated by the Polish language and culture rather than frustrated. ;)